Happy thanksgiving

I woke up today with one question in my head and that's - what am I gonna do when I have burned it all down? What am I gonna do when I've thrown it all away.

 I'm gonna be desperate and I'm going to fight to get it back but it's gonna be too late. Why am I willing to risk everything for something I don't even want?

 I hate being fuzzy and not remembering everything I did or said. I hate waking up wandering how I acted.  I hate not being able to concentrate and I hate that I know, I know, that I'm hurting the people that mean the most to me for absolutely nothing.

God, I want to change. I want not to want this stupid drug anymore. I want to be so happy with my life that I forget to want it. I want a beer to be a relaxed, enjoyable thing and not a prop to get to the next drink.

I want to be proud of myself, proud that I could save myself and willing to reach out and get help when I struggle. I hate living a secret life.